Recipe for a cesarean section

1 nice, well behaved woman
1 impatient obstetrician
½ doula
Minced birth plan
2 tsp prostaglandin gel
2 tbsp pitocin (do not use the authentic oxytocin)

Mix together slowly, monitoring as you go along.  Once pain is intolerable, add

1 generous epidural (to freeze the well behaved woman from her breasts to her toes. )

Check with an ice cube for sensation.  This epidural will be helpful in the cutting process to follow.

An external fetal monitor and contraction belt will help to move the process along.  Once distress is induced in the inner cavity of the well-behaved woman, an amni hook can be used to puncture the protective lining.  Some cooks prefer to insert a spiral screw into the scalp of the infant within the cavity to insure a certain outcome.

metal coil end (left) screws into the baby's scalp skin

metal coil end (left) screws into the baby’s scalp skin

When it comes time to insert a knife, have all gadgets and implements for removing the infant at hand.
Cover well behaved woman with green cloths and screens exposing only a small strip of belly area.

Watch the finished product carefully for several hours after completion of the cesarean section to make sure that the recipe has performed as promised.

14 thoughts on “Recipe for a cesarean section

  1. This is a reminder not to raise our kids to be TOO well behaved! How about keeping ’em obedient to internal directives and not just “authority figures”.

  2. Thank you, Gloria. As painful as it is to read THIS and remember my OB’s cesarean recipe, it’s so important to be reminded of the cascade of interventions that will most likely lead to a cesarean.

    If I may have your permission, I’d really like to post this on my family blog in April (attributing it to you, of course).

  3. I followed that recipe… got a not-quite-done 10 lb 5 oz baby out of it… and years and years of mental anguish. Turns out it’s pretty damned indigestible. It gave me heart burn, so to speak– enough that I tossed the entire set of ingredients, started over, and UBAC’d my next one!!

    I love it, Gloria!



  4. wait, did they say they use a screw into the baby’s skull?? are we talking about a c-section or an abortion? i had an emergency c sect thanks to pre-c and my husband says he doesnt remember them doing anything like that! im horrified at the thought of doing anything like that to a baby especially one you plan on keeping! i think im going to hug my girls now, if you know anything like this info would be great.

  5. I like it except for your explanation that a doula is one with her spine removed… That would infer a cowardly doula – which, in turn, infers a doula ‘should’ go into a birth as a hero, stalwart, or valiant (which is the antonym of cowardice). First off, a doula is NEVER the hero of the story – that should be mom. Second, although I would be stalwart (loyal, hard working, reliable), I would NOT be valiant (courageous, daring, audacious). And why would I not be the hero or valiant? Because both of THOSE infer a doula is supposed to go into battle… a doula’s place is not to battle the established choices of the mom (i.e. the doctor she has chosen) or to ‘stand up to’ or fight anyone – OB or otherwise.

    A doulas job is to remind mom and OB of her choices (that is the advocacy she provides), draw attention to discrepancies in care, provide alternative OPTIONS (for mom to choose or refuse), and encourage mom/open communication with mom and provider.

    OTOH, I agree that 1/2 a doula (one who doesn’t have ample/good training) who isn’t aware of how to turn a baby from a position that not’s ideal, do the footwork that might help mom make better choices with provider and place of birth, etc… THAT type of 1/2 a doula I could definitely see.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *