Top l0 reasons to have a homebirth
~by Gloria Lemay
10. To test the theory that “Not even the most doting mother can stand the voice of her two year old at 8 centimeters dilation”.
9. To enjoy the sounds of an electric air compressor inflating the fishy pool at 3 a.m.
8. To make all your girlfriends jealous when you tell them you made love to your hubby as soon as the midwives left.
7. To avoid having to jam those puffy feet into a pair of street shoes in order to go to the hospital.
6. Because you are a selfish, fanatical woman who only wants to have a big orgasm and you don’t really give a damn about your baby!
5. Because you want to see if it’s true what your homebirth friend told you that it would feel like your butt is splitting in two when that little forehead passes over the anus. (You’ve always been the curious type).
4. You want to see if those smart aleck midwives will really be able to keep your white eiderdown stain-free.
3. To prove to your mother-in-law that you are more stubborn and determined than she has ever been, and she better not mess with you anymore.
2. Because you take a perverse delight in other people running around with flashlights at 2 a.m. looking for addresses, while you stay cozy and warm waiting for them.
AND, THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO HAVE A HOMEBIRTH IS: (Can we have a drumroll, please, Paul?)
To throw a monkey wrench into the insurance billing departments and birth registration agencies so they have to come up with new ideas for dealing with something they thought went out of style with the horse and buggy.